Hey Mamas, let's cut eachother some slack eh!

As I was rocking my baby to sleep tonight (yes I still rock him and he's 2.5 years old). If you're thinking this is too old or judging me please reread the title of this post one more time. Thanks. The sucking on the soother slowed, stopped and then the soother dropped out. Passed out and precious. I could feel his gentle little exhales on my face. And then I could smell them. It dawned on me I hadn't brushed his teeth today. At all. Gross. Basic hygiene should be pretty easy to remember right? It's even on his Nighttime To Do chart that I made (that's the teacher in me for sure, but no judging on my love for dorky craft things like that either). Opps judging. Not dorky.

And then I started to think of all the other things I am far less than rock star about. 

Some days he watches too much tv, eats too many sweets and might as well have a salt lick tied to his bed, for all he consumes in pickles and chips. I let him have his soothers when everyone else seems to try to take them away. He plays shoot em up with my dad. I buy the stupid happy meal at Mcdonalds so he can have the toy he begs for and then plays with for about 5 seconds.

I use bribery because it works. If you don't I applaud you, but I also think you're a liar. :)

Some days I just don't have the energy, patience or even memory to do it all.

As a parent I have learned to be far less judgmental. We usually are doing the best we can and so are others. Just as you don't know what I'm doing to keep from going over the edge, I don't know what you are. Let's cut each other some slack.
I'd like to think, and hope, that on more days than not, my son's teeth get brushed, he only has one treat, he watches one age appropriate show (hey I still need a little break), he's not shooting me with his felt :) and we've steered clear of all fast food pits.

A Friendship with my Ex?

It was spontaneous. It was nice. The other night, as I was watching the Portland Trail Blazers destroy the L.A. Lakers, I texted my ex just to say "Yeah Blazers!" When we lived together in Portland, we loved watching basketball and going to games. It was one of the things we both loved. He texted back. Turns out he was home watching the game too. A small chat ensued. I can't remember the last time we just pleasently chatted back and forth. It wasn't about our divorce or our son. It was unexpected. It was nice.

One of the hardest parts of going through a divorce is losing your best friend. I have terribly missed talking to him and sharing the ups and downs of our days. I've missed being on the same team, rooting for eachother. We started playing for our own teams and battling against eachother. Your best friend becomes your opponent, rival, enemy.  It's a place you can't imagine ever being as you're standing their repeating your wedding vows. You're just left wondering "Who the hell is this person?" and "What happened to the guy I married?"

But the other night, I felt like I was talking to the friend I knew years ago. We've even had a couple more chats since. Perhaps a part of our friendship is returning. Or maybe it will be a totally new one, different, but even better than before.

I can see it now, just on the horizon, a friendship with my ex. It's beautiful.

How does a marriage 'make it'?

Are marriages longer than a decade a thing of the past? Can people of our generation actually stay committed? Is there some sort of short-marriage epidemic happening?

Another friend's husband has split. He has quit his marriage. My first thought is not shock, as it takes a lot to actually shock me these days, but disgust. How dare he? How dare all of the men and women who runaway!

How can it be so easy to just walk away?

What happened to the vows? What happened to commitment? What happened?

Much time has past for me and I'm healing more everyday. I still don't know if I'd ever marry again, but I'd dare to love again.

I do believe in love, but it's a very different love than the one I believed in as a 27 year old engaged woman. I've learned a lot about myself and how to truly love and depend on the
person I am. I also have learned that there are no guarantees and most things don't last forever.

So can marriages last?

I've even thought, at least I've gotten through mine and felt bad for others who just haven't had it happen yet. How fucked up is that? But am I far off? Not statistically. So what are the secrets? How does one guarantee their marriage will make it?

2012 will bring...

A new attitude by yours truly.

I was going to write about all the things I'm grateful for in 2011 and those I'm glad to leave behind. But in just under 3 hours this year will be gone. Over. The past. (Yes, I am home blogging on New Years Eve, but home with a sleeping toddler makes me happiest right now). :) So instead I am looking to the future and all that will be in 2012. I realized it's been awhile since I've dreamed. I've decided to dream again and dream big.

In 2012...

I have a fabulous teaching job I love with benefits!

I am in a committed and loving relationship with more than just myself! He's tallish, dark and handsome.

I am in the best shape of my life!

I am on vacation in a tropical paradise!

I am enrolled in a Masters in Ed program!

Bubba and I our living in a lovely 2 bedroom suite with room for guests.

It's going to be quite a year. Come and join me. What are your dreams for 2012?

Holidays are hard

Holidays are hard when you've seperated or divorced. I hope, like every other part of this process, it gets easier over time.

Last week was really rough, and I was on the verge of tears constantly. I just wanted to fall apart, have a good cry and nap. Eventually that's what I did. I'm sure it's part of the stress that others also feel during the holidays with finances, social engagements and travel arrangements. But I've also felt so lonely; the lonely when you're heartaches and stomach is nauseous. I felt the same around Thanksgiving. I do have him at Christmas and we will be spending it with my family, which I am so grateful for. I also knew I was going to visit some friends I haven't seen for awhile before Christmas. But I still felt blue. If I have friends and family, why did it feel so sad and like I was all alone?

I think I miss having that other person to share the joy and stress of things with; holiday parties, turkey dinner, shopping for inlaws, putting up lights and arguing over the tree. It's the 'happy family' around holidays that I miss. I know my son and I are now our own wonderful little family and we are creating our own holiday tradition. This is a difficult transition though, and perhaps what makes holidays still hard.

The best gift for moms, seriously

As I melted what seemed like my 200th stick of butter and snacked on my third open mega bag of chocolate chips from Costco, I began to wonder, do people really want more 'Gifts from the Kitchen'?   I love home baked goods as much as the next person, but I would also like to keep wearing these same jeans and ward off diabetes for another year.

Most of us don't have money to burn, buying everyone a little something that most likely, although thoughtful, is not needed. Like many others, I thought again this year that I'll make something. I do love baking and want others to know I care, but perhaps there's something better than giving my friends cavities and fat asses. I've already given up on the greeting cards. Hmmm what to do?

Then it came to me this morning.

My mother offered to take my son for a couple hours so I could get stuff down. Now she helps me out tremendously, but today it seemed like the most special gift in the world. I didn't go to work. I didn't excercise or go grocery shopping. I just did stuff at home and had a long shower. I couldn't believe how great it felt and how much I accomplished. It was beautiful. Then I thought, there isn't a mom in the world that doesn't want, need or deserve a couple hours to do whatever she wants.

I know many of us have though and talked about this, but never actually followed through with it. So the gift I want to give this year to the fabulous mamas I know is to take their kids and give them the GIFT of TIME to do whatever they want. Go for a walk, go shopping, have a long shower, hump your husband or just take a nap. If you're really effiecient, maybe all of the above. :)

Think of the mamas in your life, and I dare you to just call and tell them you will watch the kids for them while they take some much deserved time away. They will love it! You'll feel good and probably the gesture will be returned.

Now I've already made some candy, so some of you mamas are getting it anyway, but I'll watch your kids too!

Surviving through Crisis

When I think back to how I felt a year ago, I can't believe I'm the same person, living this same (meaning this birth to death) life, for I feel it's completely transformed. A year ago I was in crisis.

After a year of limbo about the future of my marriage it was decided we would divorce. I had tried for a year to save it, without any success. That same month a dear friend and first boy I ever loved, took his own life. This was without a doubt the worst month of my entire 34 year old life. I was in crisis.

Crisis is suffocating. Crisis is paralyizing. Crisis fucking sucks! It's being in a very dark and scary place with no idea how to get out, or the belief that you can. The emotions are raw overwhelming, and unescapable. Time passes slowly.

Every morning I made myself get out of bed, because I had a young son to care for. Most days I just went through the motions. I also started to read though as my nights were lonely. I found a few gems along the way which I have on the side of this page under Recommended Reads. One book I came across was, The Bounce Back Book by Karen Salmansohn. It is an easy read, even if you only have or want to spend a few moments a day. Every page is filled with a tip to help you change your thinking and get through the crisis that you are in. It includes inspiring quotes and scientific research. The words are encouraging and insightful. The activities are simple and powerful. One activity that I tried that was incredibly effective was called 3 deadlines and 3 events. It was easy to start and stick with.

Write down 3 deadlines you will complete in the week. These can be as simple as opening the mail on the counter, or making a Dr.'s appointment. For people who haven't experienced crisis before this may seem silly, or too simple, but it's not. Next you write down 3 events that you will arrange for the week. These could be a walk with a friend or seeing a new movie. This is what you will look forward to. Writing them down and checking them off is very important! I did this for months and I think it's a large reason why I am feeling the way I do today.

As described above, it is very hard to get out of crisis mentally, physically and emotionally.
Prompted by feelings of shame, loneliness, and exhaustion, I retreated from friends, physically and emotionally. I know others react in the opposite way, needing friends around them at all times and needing to discuss their feeling constantly. Either way I think that crisis paralizes us in a way that the simplest tasks or joys seem impossible. That is why I think this activity is so powerful. It gets you out of this place.

My crisis was the end of my marriage and sudden death of someone I had cared deeply for, all in the same month. For others it could be a physical trauma, act of violence, or a devestating financial situation. Whatever the crisis is in your life, you can and will survive it! It takes time, positive energy and action to reset your mind and ultimatley your life. I wish you peace and healing.

Preparing for the first date

Six months ago I couldn't even imagine ever being ready, or even wanting to go on a date. I was still grieving the loss of my marriage, and was feeling unsure about relationships in general. But then that all changed, suddenly and unexpectedly, the night I kissed a boy.

It had been so wonderful meeting him, chatting and having that first smooch. We live in different cities and countries, have both been married and are single parents now, so anything more coming of it seemed unlikely. But after texting and chatting, we decided to see eachother again.

Now making time for it to even happen was pretty tricky. When you date someone who also has kids, coordinating the calendars is most challenging. This may involve just when they are with the other parent, or you may need to get childcare. It was over a month before we managed to arrange our first date. The weekend was set. We would meet with a few cards stacked against us and baggage in tow.:)

I must say I had forgotten how much goes into getting ready for a date. It had been almost a decade since the last time I was single. Now, along with the regular anxiety and preparation, there's new buisness to be taken care of: the grey hair, saggier boobs, somewhat neglected lady bits, and a still healing self esteem. This date was going to take some work.

That week before I was so excited, nervous and busy. Let me break it down.

Hair- cut & color- $150
Nails- pedi & mani- $70( this is going a bit all out for me, but feels sexy with them done)
Waxing- $15 - I mean I am hoping to get lucky:)
Clothes- new shirt, bra & heels- $100- first post-baby sexy bra! All my shirts & heels are new to him, so this purchase was far from necessary, but by now I was on a roll.

All of this also meant more childcare by my mom. I really dont know what I'd do without her.:)
So after about 6 hours spanned over 3 days and too much money spent, I was ready. At this point you're probably hoping it's more than just coffee we were meeting for, and it was. This was a day & night date, as we live 3 hours apart.

So what did we actually do?

We went to the end of a baseball game (yes, just the end because he didn't get tickets and I was very late thanks to a 2 hour border lineup...not the best start). Then it was off for appys and drinks by the lake where we really got to chat and laugh. It was comfortable and there was definitely chemistry. After some more smooches we met mutual friends for drinks, before going back to his place...

It was wonderful and worth every second and cent of preperation. I'm amazed at how 'firsts' are still so exhilirating. There were times leading up to this date, including that ridiculously long border lineup, when I thought what the hell am I doing and why am I bothering. But I'm so glad I did. If you are contemplating a first date, or still feeling too scared to dive back in to the dating pool, I say jump!

And for those of you who have already been dating, I'd love to know, what was invloved in getting ready for your first date?

The Marital Agreement

I don't know why it's called that  (well at least in state of Oregon it is) when it's really all about divorce.

When it was sent to me by our mediator, I couldn't open it for at least a week. It just sat in my inbox. Then I got the nerve to print it. I remember being quite emotional during that time and the feelings of anger resurfaced. A couple more weeks went by until I sat down with it and a bottle of wine and read it. It wasn't that bad. There weren't any shocking surprises. I'm not sure what I was dreading; I was there in the mediation while we decided most of these issues.

Well we then agreed to put it all on hold as I pursued my American citizenship; just to make all the paperwork a little easier. Another few months goes by. We revisit it via Skype during the summer, so I can immediately submit it once my other paperwork goes through. We agreed to some changes. I became a citizen mid August.

Have I submitted it? Nope.

What's wrong with me?

At this point I very much want this divorce to happen, but I'm avoiding this stupid paperwork. It sits on my desk in a folder titled divorce in huge red letters.

Last week I gave myself a deadline of submitting it by my birthday. I thought getting this done and starting my new year off fresh would be a good idea.

My birthday's tomorrow and I still haven't done it. Arghhh.

Why is this soooooo hard???????

Moving back in with your parents

Okay I know it's not exactly living the dream, but it might not be that bad.

It's already been a year since I moved back in with my parents. Nine months since I knew for sure the marriage was over and I wouldnt be going back to our condo.

Did I feel like a failure? Definately.
Did I hate explaining to every person in our small town why I was back? Oh my god yes!

Now I am completely aware that I am part of a small minority of people who have a healthy and functional relationship with their parents (who are even still married). I am lucky. I know that is not the case for so many others. But if you think that cohabitating with your parents or parent during this difficult time is at all a healthy possibility, I suggest trying it. You haven't failed! It can be smart and benficial in so many ways. I truly believe that is the best thing I did after my ex and I split.

Here's a few pros and cons to think about.

Pros
Much cheaper, and possible even free!
Babysitters under the same roof
Shared housework and meal prep
Company to keep you from getting to lonely
Coming home to someone who cares about your day and well being
Save money and pay off debts

Cons
Lack of privacy
Hard to entertain or have company, especially of the male variety
Possible regression back to teen behavior and mentality:)I am living in my old bedroom after all.
Confusion of parental roles (Mekhi started calling both my mom and I "Mom" which bothered me for awhile)


I'm sure everyone's list will look a little different, but that's mine.

But now I'm wondering should I stay? I moved back because we didn't really have anywhere else to go. It was to be temporary; just until I got my feet on the ground. So now I have a job and have even found a great 2 bedroom suite we could move into Dec. 1, but I'm second guessing my need to move out just yet. My thoughts, up until now, have been consumed with moving out and having my own place.

But is this best idea just yet? Would love some input!

Should I stay awhile longer and build a nest egg and pay off some debts or leave and have a place to call our own?

Mommy's back to work

After 9 months of job hunting, this mama's back to work. Yahoo! I've been tutoring and had some other part time work over the summer, but finally I'm on with a school district. When I originally left my teaching job down south, I had no idea it would take this long to get hired. The experience has been humbling, and also a blessing. Everything happens for a reason right? I do believe so more and more.

Now I'm excited to return, but already feeling a little guilty about that. Why is that? I swear us women must have a guilt gene science just hasn't recognized yet. As much as I've loved the time with my son, I need to be fullfilled in other ways. My bank account needs some filling too. So happily( with a twinge of guilt) off to work I go to provide for me and little man.

It feels good. It's good to remember I'm good at what I do. Its good to make my own money again. It's good to start this new chapter of my life. It's even good to dress up, grab my coffee and join the commute (I realize this last one makes me sound crazy, but I really don't mind; always had one). It's all good!

And now I just have to figure out how to juggle working, raising my son, handling daily responsibilities, pursuing interests, and staying healthy. Doesn't sound like much.

Right...hmmm.

So to all you fabulous mamas out there, how do you do it and stay somewhat sane?

How do you balance it all?

How do I raise a 'good' man?

This question has been occupying my mind since another friend's husband walked out on his family. It seems to be an epedemic. I just don't understand.

Although my son is just 2.5, I have thought about this a lot. Not to say there aren't so many amazing men out there, because there are. I want my son to be one of them. 

I was raised by teachers and was taught happiness and success are not measured by material goods, but the relationships you have and how you treat others. It wasn't what my parents said so much as how they lived their lives. I know that I was lucky to have this kind of family and I want to instill the same values and morals in my son. Only right from the beginning his circumstances are so different.

I want to raise a good man that values people and relationships. I know we all want this for our children, but how do we teach them when their own fathers have fallen short? My son's father has many great qualities (I did marry him afterall), but he doesn't value honesty or committment in the way that I do and in the way I want my son to. So my son sees one thing, as I'm trying to teach him something else.

How do I make up the difference?

A toddler with two homes

Perhaps because he is just two, and has never known any different, my two year old son seems to manage quite well with having two homes.

Once a month we pack his little Thomas the Tank Engine roller suitcase and head south. On these days Mekhi excitedly explains to whomever will listen, "Go Daddy's house. My Daddy! Drive car see Daddy. Hi Daddy! Bye bye Mommy!"

After a border crossing and three hour drive, we meet at a mall. As soon as we pull into the parking lot, Mekhi starts yelling out the window, "Daddy where are you? Daaaaaddy!" He is so excited to see him, and usually runs up and gives him a big hug. This amazes me especially because he talks to him at the most once a week. He is eager to get his bag and ride in daddy's car.

I, on the other hand, dread it for days. I want the exchange to go as quickly and painlessly as possible. I still avoid eye contact most of the time. It's just too hard to look into the eyes of the person I once loved and thought I knew so well. My best friend... a stranger.

There is forcibly pleasent conversation of necessary information followed by many kisses and I love yous between me and Mekhi. Then they are gone.

That's the normal for my son. His mom and dad meet at a mall once a month. Then he spends the weekend at his dad's condo (which was once our condo). Then I pick him up at the same mall and we trek back north to my parents' house, his other 'home'. It's not the family I though we'd have, but I guess it's a family. It's Mekhi's family.

I'm sure there will be many questions in the future, and of course the potential for anger and hurt about our family and living situation. But for now I will appreciate and encourage his innocence and excitement.
He's a toddler with two homes and that's okay by him.

What about you? Do your children have two homes? How do your children handle it?

Thanks to my family and friends

I called late
You listened
I cried
You passed the tissues
I laid in bed
You laid next to me
I slept
You didn't distrurb me
I got angry
You stayed calm
I got lonely
You kept me company
I repeated myself
You listened...again
I needed a place to stay
You openned your home
I wanted to stay in
You took me out
I made decisions
You supported them
I needed time
You were patient
I am so grateful
You were there

Summer ends and routines restored...hopefully

The summer finds us all, especially those with children, a little more relaxed and out of routine. There are road trips, later bedtimes, looser rules and a lot more treats. For those of us that struggle with structure and consistency already, it's amazing our children avoid a complete transgression into 'lord of the flies' type behavior. Okay that might be a bit dramatic, but I think we really got out of whack this summer. Why is that?

On car trips, cheetos and gummi bears became a snack and feature length films on the ipad a normal occurence. What? I know better than that. Ok there was a lot of fruit in there too.

Bedtimes....hmm well he did eventually go to bed every night. Just couldn't tell you when exactly. And he often ended up curled up with me, especially when staying with friends.

Baths...does swimming naked in the ocean count?  

Getting dressed... it happened when we left the house. Really what's the hurry? He can ride his bike in pjs.

Meals...how many hot dogs did he eat this summer? There were fewer meals sitting at tables, and more lingering ones sprawled out on blankets, with spontaneous breaks to the swings or sandcastles in between bites.

Discipline on the road... sure there are still timeouts etc. But I know it's tough to be away from home, so I give him the benefit of the doubt when he's extra possessive or moody. 

Mother of the Year!

So routine might not have been my strong point, but we had fun...beaches, bbqs, parks, friends, bike rides, boat rides, concerts, and a lot of bubbles!

Now...time for some structure! Maybe

Farts are funny

Mekhi has recently become amusingly aware of his flatulence. He laughs at his own, others and especially the dog's. He even goes so far as to become quite possessive of them yelling, "my toot! Mekhi's toot! I tooted!" Then he points to his bumb and recreates the sound. I think this is all quite cute and funny.

Tonight as I sat rocking him to sleep, he started giggling. I didn't know what was so funny until a few seconds later and then he really let one rip. He must have felt it coming. His giggle was contagious and soon we both were unable to stop. It was the purest sweetest funniest time we shared that day; thanks to a fart.

Perhaps I should be teaching him to say "excuse me", that some people may think it's rude, and that he should leave the room if possible. And I will...tomorrow. But today we just laughed and laughed because come on...farts are funny!:)

Dropping off my son

I cried before, during and after the first time I dropped him off with his dad. I was a mess.

We currently live 6 hours apart and so met at a mall in the middle. This was our first official, as decided in mediation, parental hand off. Things had been so tense between us I was dreading seeing him for days. It was not the first time I was going to be away from Mekhi, but it was under these cricumstances. We decided having lunch altogether and then letting him play would be best. It went awkwardly well. After a short time we began to walk back through the mall, towards our cars. I quickly kissed and hugged my son and told him I loved him, before disappearing into some shop. I spent the afternoon in the bookstore reading about divorce. What a lovely way to spend an afternoon of freedom. I then headed to my dear friend Erica's to drink wine, go for walks, watch movies, look for jobs and count the minutes.

When I saw him three days later, tears poured the minute I saw his sweet face. "Mama" never sounded so sweet!
Although these times apart have become much easier, there is still this aching feeling that comes over me when I say goodbye to him for the weekend. My heart beats a little faster and my chest starts tightening, as though it's being tugged towards him as he's being driven away.

And now 6 months later, I actually enjoy my time alone. I miss him and speak to him everyday, but appreciate the adult time.

A turning point

My latest and perhaps most powerful turning point was prompted by a most surprising source.

I have been texting and talking to that boy I kissed a few weeks ago. Although most of our conversations are light and playful, heavier topics have arisen. He was also left and completely devastated by the break up of his marriage. We started talking about the tears and sadness that accompanied our experiences. He then mentioned that he would never cry over another woman again. This took me by surprise and I went on to say that no matter how painful this last year as been, I would do it again, just to experience the pure joy that was a part of my reltaionship too. I thought that perhaps he had become very jaded and cold. He want on to explain that he spent so much time crying over this woman, at home, church, and work, for someone that didn't want him anymore.

It started to sink in a little more. A light, as though on a dimmer, slowly started to come on. I had spent so many nights in bed alone crying, driving in my car, with friends over glasses of wine, in the shower trying to muffle my sobs.

I just decided to stop.

Since that moment, I have had some very difficult times (as will be described in a later post), but I have not cried over him!

When you're a single parent, there's no shift change at 5pm

I think the most exhausting part of being a single parent, is there's no one coming throught the door at 5 or 6 to relieve you.There's no shift change or tap out. There's no division of duties or break from dinner, bath and bedtime duties. There's no adult converstaion about the day or shared time playing with little man. I miss that the most perhaps, even though it existed for such a short time.
By the time he's in bed,I'm soon to follow. I do love and appreciate all the time I have with Mekhi, but everyone needs a break.
My tap out comes once a month and that's a long lonely stretch at times.

You know you don't live in the most culturally diverse area when...

Everytime my sister Jodi tells this story she is brought to tears laughing.

The other day she was watching my son Mekhi for me and took him to pick up her own son from a playdate. It was just down the street so she walked as Mekhi rode his push bike. When she got there she said hello to the twins her son was playing with and their older brother (who is about 10 years old I think). The older brother said "Hey Jodi! Oh is this your homestay?" (referring to my 2 year old son as being a student coming from another country to live with a family).

At this point my sister had to look away and stifle a laugh. The mother started to apologize and commented how she really needs to get her son out of the neighborhood more. The family had recently had a homestay student themselves and I guess discussions came up about how young the students seem to be getting(meaning 10 or 11). Needless to say, imagining my barely talking 2 year old arriving on a plane, with suitcase in tow, to meet his new Canadian homestay family, is pretty hilarious.

Oh and that same day another mom asked my sister if I had "birthed him". That's a slightly odd question isn't it? Had I been there, I would love to have shared my birthing him in juicy detail! :)