I cried before, during and after the first time I dropped him off with his dad. I was a mess.
We currently live 6 hours apart and so met at a mall in the middle. This was our first official, as decided in mediation, parental hand off. Things had been so tense between us I was dreading seeing him for days. It was not the first time I was going to be away from Mekhi, but it was under these cricumstances. We decided having lunch altogether and then letting him play would be best. It went awkwardly well. After a short time we began to walk back through the mall, towards our cars. I quickly kissed and hugged my son and told him I loved him, before disappearing into some shop. I spent the afternoon in the bookstore reading about divorce. What a lovely way to spend an afternoon of freedom. I then headed to my dear friend Erica's to drink wine, go for walks, watch movies, look for jobs and count the minutes.
When I saw him three days later, tears poured the minute I saw his sweet face. "Mama" never sounded so sweet!
Although these times apart have become much easier, there is still this aching feeling that comes over me when I say goodbye to him for the weekend. My heart beats a little faster and my chest starts tightening, as though it's being tugged towards him as he's being driven away.
And now 6 months later, I actually enjoy my time alone. I miss him and speak to him everyday, but appreciate the adult time.